What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. Haruki Murakami

What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. 

-Haruki Murakami

The Unconscious Wound: Hurting Those We Care For Without Knowing It
Haruki Murakami's sad sentence, "What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously," embodies a painful yet universal truth. Too often, we think harm is inflicted through malice or intent, but some of the most profound wounds are inflicted through carelessness, emotional blind spots, or simple unawareness. The irony? We hurt the people we love the most.

Breaking Down the Quote

Murakami's prose brings to the fore an awkward truth: our deepest emotional pain is usually inflicted unconsciously. In contrast with physical wounds, they are unseeable and thus more difficult to identify, let alone repair. It's the unconscious nature of it which makes it such a tragedy that we don't even know what we're doing until it's too late.

Recall a moment when you were greatly hurt by a person you cared about. The hurt wasn't from what they said or did—it was from the knowledge that they didn't even realize what they were causing. That feeling of invisibility, of your feelings being disregarded, is what makes unconscious wounds so difficult to deal with.

Now let's look at the other side. How many times have you unintentionally wounded someone, realizing afterward how your actions or words had impacted them? It's a sobering consideration, but one that brings us back to the need for mindfulness in our interactions.

When Love and Hurt Collide

Consider a moment when someone close to you spoke and sliced deeply. Perhaps it was a friend who dismissed your pain with a flippant "You're overreacting." Or a partner who ignored a meaningful moment that you cared about. They probably didn't intend harm, but their words or actions left a wound. The bad news? They probably didn't even realize they hurt you.

Flip this around now—how many times have you innocently hurt one you love? Perhaps you ignored their hurt and told them, "It's not a big deal" or were so ensnared by your own urgency that you could not see the quiet hurt on their face. This is Murakami's tragedy: we hurt those who are dear to us, not because we want to be sadistic, but because we remain unaware.

Why Do We Hurt the Ones We Love?

1. Familiarity Breeds Comfort (and Carelessness) – The more familiar we are with a person, the more at ease we feel with them, perhaps to the point of being careless. We figure they'll "get it," but that thinking can be perilous.

1. Emotional Blind Spots – We all possess these. What may be innocuous to us may hurt someone deeply. For instance, making light of a painful subject without fully understanding the gravity it holds for the other party.

1. Stress and Distraction – When we are overwhelmed by life, we are less responsive to others' feelings. An exhausted parent yapping at the kid, an overworked employee snapping at a friend—these are typical scenarios of how our own stress creates unintentional harm.

1. Dissimilarities in Sensitivity – A comment such as "You always take things too seriously" may be a flippant observation to one individual but potentially much more profoundly invalidating to another.

How Can We Be More Mindful?

• Stop Before You Talk – Ask yourself, "Is this necessary? Is this kind? Is this beneficial?" A few moments of reflection can spare unnecessary hurt.

• Listen With Compassion – True listening isn't merely waiting for your turn to talk. Listen with your ears and eyes open. Hear the tone, body language, and between-the-lines messages.

• Check In With People – A good old-fashioned "Did I upset you?" or "How did that make you feel?" can lead to genuine conversation and healing.

• Learn to Apologize Well – An actual apology is not "I'm sorry you feel that way," but "I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't know it, but I can do better."

• Think About Your Behavior – Before you go to bed, take a moment to reflect: Did I say or do something today that might have hurt someone? If so, how can I repair it?.

Real-Life Examples of Unconscious Hurt

• The Overlooked Effort: A partner who doesn’t acknowledge the small efforts—like cooking dinner or remembering a preference—can make the other person feel unappreciated. Over time, this builds resentment.

• A Boss’s Offhand Remark: A leader jokingly saying, “You’re lucky to even have this job,” to an employee might seem lighthearted, but it can crush their morale.

• Parental Mistakes: When a parent says to a child, "Why can't you be like your sibling?" they may do so out of encouragement but end up giving way to feelings of inadequacy and lifetime hurt.

The Road to Healing

Hurting someone unintentionally doesn't make us evil people—it makes us human. What counts is what we do once we become aware. True love and care entail being open to being reflective, accepting our mistakes, and learning.
With greater self-awareness, empathy, and more effective communication, we can reduce the wounds we give and build firmer, more compassionate relationships. In the final analysis, love is not primarily an emotional high—it's living in a deliberate state of care.

Final Thought:

We may never completely desist from harming the people we care about, but we can learn to do it less often, to know when we've done it, and to heal together. That's what really counts.

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